Losing a Loved One

Allison Novotny
10/18/09
Losing a Loved One


“I didn’t know how to feel at first, I think I was in shock,” Washington State University sophomore Michael D. Crump said about losing his grandmother last spring. “It was really unreal, like it didn’t happen or something.
This is a very common feeling for those who have experienced the passing of a loved one. Although death is a normal occurrence in life, nothing can make it easier on the people who deal with the passing.
All people who experience losing someone close will go through a process to help come to terms with what has happened. The Grieving Process is different for each person and it is distinct for each situation.
Lutheran Campus Pastor, Randall M. Nicolai explains: “There is no normal way to grieve. There are things you can say about grief that we have in common, but the experiences are unique.”
For some people crying is the best way to let it out, for others talking about it helps, but regardless of how an individual deals with his or her grief, there is common ground to how people heal.
The Grieving Process has been researched and broken down into categories that many people can relate to and have found to be helpful when going through the loss.
According to The University of Buffalo’s Counseling Services, The Grieving Process can be divided into eight sequential stages; denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, loneliness, acceptance and hope.
Although not everyone goes through each of the stages, this is generally what happens while accepting the death of a loved one. In a publication by the university the stages are described in detail.
The first stage, denial, is a period where many individuals have hard time accepting the fact that their loved one is gone. The second stage is anger when the person begins to feel as though the death was unfair. The third stage is bargaining where many people try to give up something they enjoy for the return of the person who has passed.
The fourth stage is guilt. This is when people start to feel guilty for things they did not do before the person passed. Depression is the next step where many people being to have mood swings and feel withdrawn from normal day-to-day activities, because of these changes from depression many people will move onto the loneliness step. This stage is due to the many social changes they experience.
The seventh stage is acceptance. This is when the suffering individual is able to come to terms with the loss and accept what has happened. The last stage is hope, this is when the person grieving has completed the other stages and is ready to look toward a bright future.
The Grieving Process will help people, but the most success comes from talking about what has happened.
Nicolai agrees.
“Find someone to listen,” he said. “Find someone non-judgmental, non-threatening and doesn’t tell you what to do…just listens. A close friend or religious person of your faith is always good. Counseling services also can help, [they provide] confidentiality and they may have other resources.”
Crump experienced first hand that talking about it can help with the healing process.
“When I first found out my grandma had died, I didn’t want to talk about it,” he said. “But after a while I started to talk about it more and more and it became easier to deal with. It was almost like remembering her was easier than forgetting her.”
Everyone deals with the loss of a loved one differently, but some things hold true for all those dealing with grief. Nicolai gives some advice to those going through loss.
“Not to grieve is the worst thing someone can do,” he said. “Give yourself permission to grieve, be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to feel or not to feel; to be angry or not to be angry; to laugh, laughter is good too…be good to yourself and don’t think that you are the only person and that it’s too personal. It’s a process, it’s a conversation.”
-30-